I just write about it in other places.

I let this blog go when things were in a spiral for me. 2010 was a year of a spiral mostly where I spun my wheels until they dug in the ground (no movement) but with some amazingness throughout -

The amazing: I found a place of my own in the space of a moment where I felt like I had nowhere to go. That happened within a few days after the last time I wrote here and is what, initially, distracted me from writing. A few months later, he asked for my hand in marriage in a most unexpected way. And I sit here, preparing to be a wife to a husband and preparing, planning for I don’t really know (but I do know) what.

Riding the roller coaster that is my life.

All that and I’m going back to school! I have a world to change! 

But in small steps, as the title of this blog implies.

I weigh myself everyday* - but I know my waist size is really the best indicator of how well I’m doing with weight loss efforts.

So I measured my waist today, after having NOT measured my waist in 4 months. And my waist size hasn’t changed at all, despite four months of inconsistent health improvement efforts.

Reminds me that taking any kind of step is better than none at all.

I was thinking to write a story about 2009. And I probably will - it was quite a year! If I had to sum it all up though, I’d say that 2009 was a year of momentum - propelling me towards my goals. Will 2010 be the year I actually reach them?

*Not recommended unless you are well aware that your weight is not really something to get anxious or nervous about. I weigh myself just to make sure that I’m at least maintaining - if I notice any serious changes, I know that I have to make significant changes with the way I eat and exercise. Weighing myself is like my anchor - keeping me grounded - and it works for me!

Contrary to the belief of some people who know me and love me - I have been a HOT MESS this year. 2009 = Year of the Hot Mess. Yeesh.

Gonna start turning it around tho. Today. Not going to wait until Friday. Waiting was a part of the problem this year.

I need to meditate!

So I just went to the supermarket to pick up a few groceries.

Mistake #1 - I went to the supermarket to pick up these groceries while hungry. A no no. Shopping for food while hungry tends to make it harder to make the right choices about what to buy (at least, it has that effect on me.)

As I walked along the aisle with crackers and snacks (looking for some whole grain Triscuits or something healthy) my eye spied a package of Keebler Chips Deluxe Peanut Butter Cup cookies.

Of course, I LOVE chocolate-peanut butter everything!

Mistake # 2 - I picked up the chocolate and peanut butter combos cookies , thinking to myself “oh, in case the boyfriend visits tonight (he might) I can give these to him.” Lying to yourself is always a mistake.

So, under the influence of mistakes #1 and #2 - I bought the cookies. And I took them home admonishing myself for doing so. Buying a pack of forty super-delicious sinful goodness is NOT helpful to my health and weight loss goals!

I should note: I have health goals tied closely to weight loss. The steps I’ve been taking lately to get closer to my goal (a size 8-10 who runs marathons) include working out for 20-25 minutes six days a week with the 30 Day Shred DVD, tracking my intake (and my sugar consumption) at Livestrong, eating lots of fruits, veggies, fiber-rich foods, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water…. Yes, I actually do all these things. My issues are with consistency - mainly in regards to the exercise and tracking my food intake. All that other stuff are really just a part of my lifestyle - the result of small steps being taken over many years. I figure its a matter of time before the exercise and the tracking my intake becomes a regular part of my life too.

But I digress. Buying a pack of cookies - especially super delicious ones - is not helpful (on the surface) to my health goals but I realize that it isn’t a step backwards if I treat these cookies like I treat the rest of my food. I shouldn’t feel bad for buying some cookies - and then eating some cookies (yes, I ate like 6!) because I shouldn’t feel bad about eating ANYTHING (as long as its not ridiculously poisonous, of course). As long as I don’t make eating items like these cookies a regular part of my diet, I’m fine.

Feeling bad about eating something that’s a treat is truly the step backwards. Feeling shameful about a bit of tastebud-based pleasure - a step backwards. Guilt and negativity never helps ANYTHING grow or move forward. This breakthrough I had tonight - a step forward.

All that AND I got some cookies!